slightly imperfect clarity.

22Aug09

My rings officially sold today.

And it strikes me as slightly ironic. Because the winning bidder is very likely some guy who was looking for a “deal” on Ebay, just like the Ex had been when he originally bought them for me.

Since (during that last fateful year of matrimonial bliss) I was always asking the Ex when I could get them upgraded, I tell myself I shouldn’t be getting such a pit in my stomach when I think about shipping them off on Monday. I keep telling myself that I am better then his SI-1/SI-2 clarity. I keep reminding myself he got a f-ing “deal” on them in the first place.

But then, of course, my mind automatically switches into reverse. And I keep getting flashes of the day he proposed to me and I received that ring. It wasn’t perfect. But it was heartfelt. A reminder that, at some albeit brief point in our relationship, there had been a time when it was still important to him to put in some kind of an effort. And there were moments when I– when we– were so happy.

It is pointless to sit and try to pinpoint when that effort on his part stopped. And why he so vehemently kept on denying that it hadn’t right up until it was over.

It’s been over six months since he told me he was filing for a divorce and I walked out of that house without a fight. And still my mind keeps me up at night, hemming and hawing about when the precise moments were that our system began to fail. I don’t know why it’s so important for me to decipher when they were since nothing I do now can fix it. And I find it quite frustrating to not know if this is simply how most female minds work or if it’s just mine.

Ten days until the move. I am so ready to go.

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2 Responses to “slightly imperfect clarity.”

  1. Hello. I am returning a visit to you. You left a comment recently on my blog @ http://deirdre.blogdrive.com. (Thanks.)

    This entry is sad… but hopeful. The fact that you are looking to understand the moment(s) where things went wrong is a sign that you are willing to take responsibility for the fall if some of it is yours. It’s hard for us to do that sometimes.

    I wish you the best with your move.

  2. It’s a good step forward, even if it hurts. While my immediate reaction to your statement about being better than an SI-1/2 is horror at shallowness, the truth is that I feel the same way. I (and you) are better than that because we deserve someone who puts in effort. Maybe it hurts now, but you’re young. A fresh start is great for everyone. Best of luck!!


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